Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Randomize
