am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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