I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
