Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
