also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
