Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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