Can i not drive my cunt home
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again