so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."