It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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