shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
