Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
