im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
