You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
