I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
