His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
