i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
