I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
