I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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