I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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