So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
