some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
