I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
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Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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