My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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