i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
