My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
