shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
