My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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