Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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