if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
