i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia