my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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