there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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