I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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