I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
