Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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