she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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