I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
