Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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