apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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