matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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