Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
