Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
