mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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