I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Houston, we have a blender
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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