That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
