I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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