My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
