remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
