I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
