I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
