remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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