You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
