Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
