One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
