I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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