It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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