I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize